People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
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Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I’m crying im so happy for them
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.