Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
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*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
2022 be like
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?