Mmmm canned fish.
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
All set.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils