[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.