My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
You Might Also Like
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them