Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.