I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that