If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Did I do this right
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip