Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming