[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
You Might Also Like
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter