Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
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My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.