When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.