Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Incredible customer service.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
mentally somewhere in italy