Whisper out to librarians!
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle