[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
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I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.