My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
You Might Also Like
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
i think both sides are to blame here
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…