ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?