Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??