Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
🔦🌙👣
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
True