food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
You Might Also Like
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad