me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
saw this in a dream
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.