The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
You Might Also Like
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty