[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
doing some research
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc