therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
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My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO