Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
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[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.