OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.