I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
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I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
#gardening
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
The glory of fall.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”