interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.