I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing