imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.