Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!