If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
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You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
this makes me so uncomfortable
I falcon love using swear birds