*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Science memes
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.