rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
ok like just. call me at this point
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I feel this so hard
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I hate my earbuds.