Maybe jesus needs me in his life
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
don’t be scared
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me, reading some of your tweets
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My flabber has been gasted.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.