I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.