TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
he chose this
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.