Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age