I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
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My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
haha same
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.