“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?