I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
You Might Also Like
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
hmmm
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson