Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.