i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.