hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.