[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
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6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Have kids, they said
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably