Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”