Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
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*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
so this horse walks into a bar
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.