you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
the council will decide your fate
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
we’re gonna need another temp
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store