[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
You Might Also Like
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.