me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
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“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
real
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
😏😏😏
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
What the hell happened here.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I missed you with all my darts
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.